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Should I die, this blog will serve as my son's source of virtual mama.

If I live, I won't have to repeat myself.

sigers writes fiction and nags her son in austin, texas. 

I want you to be less of a pain in the ass to your future PR team.

I want you to be less of a pain in the ass to your future PR team.

I hate to break it to you, Lovebug, but your mother ain’t all that friendly. If you need your organization overhauled? A rousing speech written? A garden planned and executed? Some tough love? A life plan? People killed? Step this way. And don’t slouch.

But if you want to have a wonderful party that people will talk about for years to come? See Little or Big Vicki. They’re the ones over there? Smiling at you? Alllll the genetic charisma and people skills rolled right into your great aunt’s egg. Your Hey Lady and I got drive and the ability to shrink balls with a glare.

I just don’t do that well with strangers all the time. The inner nerd from sixth grade thinks that her face is going to betray her desperate desire to be accepted, so she has a nice ‘I don’t give a fuck’ mask. Add some red lipstick (Nars Cruella) and it comes off as aloof.

Oh sure, we’re fine when you get to know us. But getting to know us requires effort. And unshriveled balls. See the problem there?

I’m functional when I have a mission. I’m at work and I know that I am here to present something? I ain’t scared of you motherfuckers. But if I’m in a casual situation where my directive is to be normal with a crowd of people that I don’t have advertising in common with? I’m kind of a mess.

For one thing, I’m bad at small talk.

THEM: Hello.

ME: Abortion?

Another thing is that my childhood programming can be hard to alter.

My grandmother was big on not bothering other people. Not wearing out welcome. Not asking too many questions - that was being “nosy.” It wasn’t until I grew up that I realized that what I considered “nosy,” most people considered “not being a self-centered bitch who only talks about herself and never asks about your life.”

One of the most useful things about you, is that you always provide an understandable distraction. If I’m not making great eye contact? It’s because I am making sure you don’t make off with the silverware. If I have to excuse myself, it’s because I have to get you a snack before you bite someone’s face off. Many times I can dodge conversation by starting a conversation about how YOU are shy. You have been known to literally stick your face in my butt and I have to pluck you out and make you give people an adorable smile.

What will you learn if I am always awkward? Yesterday I saw a kid climbing a table to reach a water pitcher. The right thing to do would have been to step in and give him a boost, or pull him down and hand him the pitcher.

I can’t expect you to grow up and be cat daddy Obama smooth if I am too shy to walk into church and say, “Good Morning, everyone." 

I give you lectures about how to enter a room. To speak to people. To smile brightly at people. To engage, shake hands and make eye contact. Ask questions. All things that I can be bad at. I am lecturing me, too.

You’re going to be amazing. I know that you are going to be the type of man that gets invited to a lot of functions because people want to bask in your awesome. So I do want you to know how to embrace that awesome and radiate it around the room so well that everyone else feels awesome too.

But I also want you to know that one of the best ways to show someone that you love them is to challenge your own demons to a cage match for them.

Good morning, Amsden.

I want you to know how to DESTROY those who have wronged you.

I want you to know how to DESTROY those who have wronged you.

I want you to know why our spiritual leader does not have gold teeth.

I want you to know why our spiritual leader does not have gold teeth.