Yes, you’re only two years old right now, so I clearly do not want grandchildren for oh, say, thirty years from now. But I would like to have them. But let me explain why:
I’m prematurely putting you in the category of many of my brilliant, witty, educated friends who live comfortably. Here is what they think about when they think about having kids:
Can we afford them?
Should we afford them?
What kind of parents would we be?
Would our relationship survive?
What about my career?
And these are all very good questions. Many times, they all add up to a magnificent childless couple who have decided that due to their responsibility to the earth/each other/their Eames lounger they will not have children.
Here is the problem: Stupid people aren’t asking themselves ANY of that. Oh no, stupid people are juuuust doin’ it. They aren’t thinking about urban sprawl and its impact on the endangered Red Speckled Humpherdink. They are just having kids. Kids that have a huge potential … to be stupid too.
It’s not their fault. Nobody is exactly sitting down with Your Baby Can Read with them. They ain’t listening to NPR in the car. They can barely read, but they can do the Cat Daddy extremely well.
So it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if smart people don’t have kids, the stupid kids are going to take over. In fact, it will become more and more normal to be stupid. I suspect it is happening already.
Look, having a baby is a stupid idea on paper. It NEVER makes sense unless you invented Facebook. And even if you were super paid? The effort it would take to still be a great parent is staggering. Who would accept a job where you’re on call 24/7 for a small, irrational, sticky tyrant for 18 years. Did I mention you won’t get paid?
Parenting is a ridiculous job, but you are the biggest perk I ever got. Then again, I got into advertising after the ‘80s – a decade where I would have gotten a signing bonus of cocaine and whores. But I’m sure you would have still been in the top five.
The first clue that you might be a responsible parent? Is that you have thought about whether or not you could be a responsible parent. The second one is that you do not live with me. The third is that you have done a pretty good job of supporting yourself for a few years.
Babies are always scary. If they are not? Then you’re stupid. So grow up. Be smart. Have some smart babies. Do it for your country/a better world/ the endangered Red Speckled Humpherdink.
Do it or all our dances will be REALLY. BAD. DANCES.