I want you to know why you should never buy a girl roses from the gas station
So I’m totally about to put you ahead of the game when it comes to romance.
Although, I’m not sure you should listen to your mother on this one, since because I’m on the bullet train to spinsterhood. Only instead of 5, 324 cats I’ve got 100 pounds of really smelly dog.
Still, my #teamspinster situation doesn’t mean that I can’t gently lead you past the painfully corny things that young people do.
Most of what is considered “romantic” totally blows.
Rose petals on the bed. Chocolate. Teddy bears. Even worse? Fon-fucking-due. You give a girl any of that and you deserve a flaming bag of poop in your dresser drawer full of Dockers.
Do you know how I figured out what the secret to romance is? Amelie. It’s a movie. Go watch. I’ll wait here.
I’m trying to teach you to be curious. To be a creator. To be creative. When you apply those things to your life, your life is an adventure. When you apply those traits to a relationship? Your relationship is romantic.
Also? You gotta swashbuckle. For example …
Guy and girl meet in a crowded party. Chemistry. It is closing time and each is suddenly being pulled in different directions by the crowd and their friends. They are about to lose each other forever … what can he do?
He throws her his phone and calls it the next day.
This isn’t from a movie. This really happened. It was one of the most romantic things I had ever heard of. It’s something SO unusual and SO bold that I remember it fifteen years later and it didn’t even happen to me.
See? A little bit of swashbuckling is important. Originality. Risk taking. That’s what a good romantic gesture is made of.
Repeating the same thing all the time is a way that people try to express affection but in a really safe way. There’s a certain amount of vulnerability in a truly original gesture.
So she might look at you like you’re nuts and tell you that she just wanted fondue like all her other girlfriends. And it’ll probably crunch your feelings a little.
But don’t fret long, cookie-pants! That’s great! Now you KNOW that she sucks and get rid of her. She’s boring.
And you have to get rid of her, because I’m going to be bored by her and you know how unruly I get when bored.
If you consider keeping her, remember that I am VERY creative. I will totally announce a rousing game of Booger on the Fork right before Thanksgiving dinner.
If that doesn’t run her off, I’ll totally tell your dad she said something bad about Tupac and he’ll show up on her lawn with his shirt off blasting All Eyez On Me.